Commencement address at Brigham Young University
Provo, Utah
May 18, 1998
Essayist, author, commentator, and contributing editor and writer for The New York Times Magazine, Mr Rosenblatt's journalistic honors include a Peabody, an Emmy, a Fulbright Scholarship, and two George Polk Awards.
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"Members of the class of 1998: In an effort to alter history,
I would like to give you students a commencement speech that is
both memorable and useful. It consists of a list of jobs that
are readily available to young college graduates, but are rarely
, if ever, considered to be within their reach. The mistake made
by most of you is that you aim too low - assistants to administrative
assistants and the like - whereas the positions I am about to
describe are not only exalted and high paying; they also require
little or no work, experience, training or knowledge. Thus they
are exceptionally well suited to graduating seniors. Here, then,
is a sort of 'unclassifieds' of exciting opportunities waiting
for you:
"President of the United States. This job is often avoided
by students because it necessitates living in Washington and has
an age requirement. But the position is very worthwhile. Recent
grads would make excellent U.S. Presidents because they usually
are single, and can get into less trouble than a married President.
The "work" does not require that one have been President
of some other place, like China. And it lasts eight years at most,
after which you'll have plenty of time for golf and dating. Perks
include free food, you own seal, protection by the Secret Service
(when they're not out testifying), and a loyal staff, consisting
of such people as Dick Morris and Linda Tripp.
"Drug Czar. A most enjoyable and relaxing job, it has the
added distinction of being the only government post named for
a Russian. Its best feature is that while it requires no effort,
it also demands no successes. As drug czar all you need to do
is claim, every few months, that you are eradicating the nation's
drug problem. Everyone will understand that you're kidding. The
person who accomplished the least in this position, and was therefore
the most successful, was William Bennett, who was equally successful
as Secretary of Education, an office that he recommended be abolished
once he left it. Mr. Bennett is currently the spokesperson for
national morality.
"Spokesperson. It's easy. I's fun. And it could be you! Simply
find someone in the news, preferably under indictment, and do
all his/her public speaking. In no time, you will be that someone
in the news. Then you can hire a spokesperson. Infinite possibilities.
"Expert Expert. When an individual mishap occurs, and the
press wishes to suggest that it signifies a national epidemic,
who they gonna' call? As a expert expert, simply be prepared to
show up on TV and warn the public about the 'lessons' of everything
from frostbite to shark attacks. Make something out of nothing!
Offer solutions! Create jobs for others!
"Historian. You probably think that becoming a historian
demands a Ph.D. and long study, but today anyone may be so designated
if he/she remembers anything. Recent grads may become historians
if they, say remember the '80s. You can appear on your own cable
channel, and rake in big fees on the lecture circuit. But you
will have the most fun simply making up history. Who will correct
you? Did somebody say 'Professor'?
"Talk-Show Host. (See President of the United States.)
"Celine Dion. Claim to be Celine Dion. She's everywhere,
so who'll know? Only requirement is that you sing the love song
from Titanic all year. Your career will go on and on.
"Plagiarist. Talk about easy! Why write your own material
when others have done it for you? With careful choices, a good
plagiarist can produce dozens of articles or books a year and
make a fortune. Don't worry about being caught. If you have to
apologize, just say, 'An error was made.' Nobody cares.
"Media Critic. Now here's a job you can do at home. You don't
even need to have been a model member of the media to criticize
them (see Plagiarist), and many find they are better at it in
inverse proportion to their abilities. The 'work' is not only
easy but also exclusive; no one but members of the media will
pay attention! With luck you can join the faculty of a journalism
school and take a whole year 'teaching' a 'subject' that a slow
12 year-old could pick up in three weeks.
"Publishing Giant. As long as you don't hold the fuddy-duddy
notion of books as literature, you can be a publishing giant (and
be invited to all the best parties!) without lifting a finger.
Simply sign up a major criminal or disgraced public figure to
a lucrative book contract. That's it! You don't even need to produce
the book. Who'll notice? Eventually you may be fired, but think
of all the celebrities you'll rub elbows with. And you can always
become a media critic or historian.
"Celebrity Lawyer. Time was when new law-school grads had
to suffer years of obscurity laboring in the stacks of some stuffy
firm. Now you can go straight to TV and be rich and famous instantly.
Just be sure to shout, interrupt and call your opponents idiots.
Do not expect to achieve the charm or personal appeal of a Alan
Dershowitz or a Marcia Lark right away. But in a very short time
you'll be building a name for yourself and a clientele! Why chase
ambulances when the ambulance can come to you?
"There you go. Congratulations and good luck. Remember: there's
a great country out there. Take it."
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Formerly a columnist and editor-at-large for Life magazine, and an essayist and senior writer for Time, Roger is currently a contributing editor and essayist for The New York Times Magazine, Vanity Fair, The New Republic, and Men's Journal. His other accomplishments include serving as editor of U.S. News & World Report, and as a columnist and editorial board member of The Washington Post. His journalistic honors include a Peabody, an Emmy, a Fulbright Scholarship, two George Polk Awards, and awards from the American Bar Association and Overseas Press Club. Roger is married, has three children and lives in New York City.
